The best sign to identify a controlling man or woman is to see if the person assumes one mind. I would assume one mind with you if I became angry over you not knowing what I wanted.
One-mindedness is a warning sign of a controlling person because the ideal image knows what the controlling person wants, thinks, and feels. The moment this perfect understanding is brought back to reality with a question, rage can form. If you ask; “When will you be back?” “Why do you treat me like this?” and “Why can’t I satisfy you?”, he could show controlling behavior like avoiding, arguing, or abusing her.
A second major warning sign of a controlling person is they define you. I would define you by telling you what you think and feel.
A controlling person defines victims based on the ideal image. Authenticity is neglected. What a victim really feels and thinks is replaced by the controlling person’s definition. The definition forms a fantasy, trying to pull the victim back into the perfect persona.
Controllers create the exact opposite of what they try to achieve:
- They try to get close by barking orders, but their controlling behaviour creates distance
- They try to show power by belittling others, but their controlling behavior shows inferiority
- They try to show wisdom and intelligence by disproving a victim’s point of view, but their controlling behavior shows incomprehension and shallowness
- They think their perception is clear, but it is unclear
The controller attempts to fulfill a need of closeness with the victim, yet true closeness is never achieved when the connection is with an inauthentic person. You cannot be intimate with a controller. Intimacy requires two persons to understand their feelings and connect with each for who they really are. Controllers cannot get intimate because they lack one or more of the four operational functions.
If you control someone, seeing these signs is usually enough to make you see firsthand the false reality you live in and what you need to bring yourself back into an authentic world. Some recovering controllers see the severity of their behavior and cannot kill it so they respect their victims by ending a relationship to seek healing.