How can I deal with my jealousy?


While everyone gets jealous or suspicious from time to time, experiencing jealousy on a daily basis can be problematic.

When jealousy strikes, you often compare yourself to your rival. You feel threatened, and always imagine the worse case scenario—that your partner or spouse might leave you for someone else.

Not only is jealousy unpleasant to experience, but individuals, who are chronically jealous or suspicious, often misinterpret what is going on—taking what might be an innocent event and thinking about it in the worst way possible.

For example, if a boyfriend or girlfriend does not immediately return a phone call, a highly jealous individual will jump to a negative conclusion (my partner doesn’t love me or my partner is cheating).

Jumping to conclusions can drive people crazy and it often fuels your suspicion more.


Negative thoughts, doubts, and insecurities often lead to more negative thoughts, doubts, and insecurities.

Not only do you drive yourself crazy, but you often drive your partner crazy as well. Being around a suspicious person is difficult to deal with. No one likes to have everything that happens turned into a negative event.

Being with a jealous person is difficult because highly suspicious partners can be overly controlling and needy.

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  • Talk about your feelings [/su_list]

When we are suspicious or jealous, we often try to hide their true feelings from our partners, but ignoring our emotions hardly ever works. Our feelings get the best of us and influence our behavior whether we like it or not.

Talking to a partner about being jealous is the best way of dealing with it. As a general rule, when talking about jealousy, it helps to focus on your feelings and not necessarily your partner’s behavior.

In fact, people often feel closer when they can talk to their partners about their problems in a constructive manner.

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  • Interpret things differently [/su_list]

Learning to interpret things/events positively, if done consistently, can help individuals overcome their jealousy.

In fact, a romantic partner’s ability to put a positive spin on things that happen, is one of the key differences between relationships and marriages that succeed and those that fail.

Putting a positive spin on things, however, is difficult to do because old habits and ways of thinking die hard.

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  • Talk about your problems [/su_list]

When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”

The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.

When trying to discuss a problem—it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation—leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel…” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.

Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.

Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.


Typically, this strategy is often best accomplished through some counseling.